To Live
by Tir na nOg 1994
Summary: Sacrifice is believed to be the most courageous action of all. But is agreeing to live not the greatest sacrifice of all?
1. Chapter 1

So, here it is. I have written this story several months ago, but it took me a while to find the will to translate it. 'Cause, yeah, I'm French. So I first wrote this story in French, and thought it might be time to translate it. So if there are any mistakes, or if it does not always sound very authentic, please forgive me. I've had a long day, and I really tried my best.

If you're looking for a cheeful story, with a fairy tale ending, then this story is not for you. It's a sad story. I wrote it because of a dream I had once, a dream about sacrifice, a dream about living, and dying. It was a really powerful dream. It carried out a message I've been trying to convey through this story. It's not just a Castle story. It's also a story about life. Or so I hope.

I want to thank a friend of mine, without whom I would never have written nor published this story. She's quite an amazing girl. She is Hawkeen, she's posted several stories on .

Anyway, there will be 3 chapters. I haven't translated the two others yet. I guess this is why I am posting this one. Cause this way, I can't just back off and stop translating. It might take me several days to post the following chapters though. Between college, the fact I'm living alone, and that I have to find a job, I'm pretty busy.

Hope you'll enjoy it.

* * *

'_It's your fault.'_

She froze at this accusation. A shiver ran through her, and nausea turned her stomach. Was she really responsible? _'Of course you are'_ whispered the voice of her conscience. She did not have the strength to fight anymore, to convince herself that she was a victim as well. She should have known, she should have done something, she should have…She closed her eyes for a second, unable to look at the person who was facing her, and whispered:

'_I am sorry. I am so sorry.'_

No words could have expressed the remorse that was consuming her. No words could have made worthy of forgiveness. She just wished everything was a nightmare from which she would awaken. She could not even feel the tears streaming down her face.

'_He promised…He promised me he wouldn't go back there.'_

Hearing these words, she swiftly lifted her head up. She looked at the young woman who was facing her, tears in her eyes. She did not understand. Her interlocutor guessed her lack of understanding, and carried on with a hoarse voice:

'_Last summer, after the shooting…After he'd been kicked out of the precinct, hadn't heard from you, he promised me he was done. That he wouldn't follow you anymore, that he would stay here. And three months later, you were suddenly back. He forgave you. He would have forgiven you anything. He broke his promise for you. __He…_

The teenager stopped talking, unable to carry on, and looked away. Kate felt like her heart was shattering. Once again. What had she done to this family?

'_Alexis, I…'_

'_No! You were supposed to protect him! You were supposed to protect him, and you failed ! He trusted you, and you let him down!'_

The red-haired girl turned on her heels, and looked at her with anger. An indescribable pain was darkening her eyes. Kate stepped forward and tried to reach Alexis, but stopped when she saw her cringed.

'_That's not what happened, _she whispered_. It should have been me, Alexis. He said that…He lied. We decided it was going to be me. __It should have been me!'_

With these words, she collapsed to the ground. She had seen too many of her loved-ones die. Her mother, Royce, Montogmery…Castle. A hoarse cry escaped her throat when this thought crossed her mind. She felt a hand touch her shoulder, and she made out Alexis' silhouette through her tears, kneeling by her side.

'_Kate…I need to…I have to know.'_

She did not want to remember that day. She could not. She had almost failed to come through it, and the idea to go through these few hours again terrorized her. She was afraid she would not make it this time. But she had to. For Alexis. And for Castle.

* * *

She had woken up in a dark room, disoriented. She had had no idea how on earth she had gotten there. She had then an awful migraine and was feeling nauseous. She tried to remember the events of the past few days. The guys and her had decided to take their weekend off after an exhausting investigation involving the brutal murder of a child. She had com straight home on Friday night, exhausted, had poured herself a glass of wine, had relaxed in a hot bath, and had gone straight to bed, without even eating. After that, nothing.

As she was trying to get her memories back, she suddendly heard a rustle in the basement. She froze, trying to locate the source of the sound. She faintly perceived through the darkness a moving figure, trying to sit up. A figure that was more than familiar.

'_Castle?"_ she asked, not sure it was him.

'_Beckett? Where are we? Are you alright ?'_

'_I've been better. What about you ?'_

The writer just smiled to her. Once they adjusted to the darkness, they got up together, without even consulting each other. They quickly explored the room, which size could not exceed 40m². The only way out was a heavy gate, obviously locked.

'_At least this time, we aren't cuffed,_ said Castle with an amused smile. _Not that I…'_

'_Castle!_ angrily interrupted Beckett. _Now isn't the time to make jokes. Do you remember anything ?'_

He shook his head in frustration.

'_No, I don't. I went to bed early, I was tired, and since mother and Alexis weren't there, there was nothing keeping me up._ He stopped talking for a moment._ I'm really glad they're in the Hamptons. Had anything happened to them, I…'_

Kate gave him a weak smile. She was relieved her partner's family was safe. She scouted again the basement, still looking for a way out. Not seeing one, she turned towards the door, and tried to kick it open until Castle stopped her.

'_I don't think this will work.'_

'_What are you suggesting then? We have to do something!'_ Kate shouted. Even though she refused to admit it, she had felt a wave of terror overwhelm her.

'_Let's just wait. That's all we can do so far.'_

Beckett started to pace. Castle had the impression to be watching a lioness in her cage. He did not even try to stop her, knowing that she needed to keep her mind busy, one way or another. Besides, he was not exactly in a talkative mood either. After what felt like an eternity, the characteristic sound of a door being unlocked finally tore the silence. Kate immediately stopped pacing, and Rick stood by her side.

The first thing they both seaw was the mouth of a gun. Rick instinctively made a gesture as though to protect her, trying to come between his muse and the gun. Kate stopped him from doing so.

'_Step back to the wall. Try anything stupid, and you will die.'_

His voice was cold and detached. Kate hesitated for a second, but eventually obeyed when she felt Rick grab her hand. The man that was facing them was small and slim. This sickly man was not impressive, and would probably not have seemed dangerous to the untrained-eye. But Kate had been trained to perceive danger. The aura that was surrounding him left her no doubt on his nature. He was a predator. His frail stature kept him from being dangerous, strictly speaking. And yet, Kate would have never trusted him, even without the weapon he was holding. She could not have explained where this feeling was coming from. But she instinctively knew he was bad. And probably brilliant. Which was never a good combination.

She stared at him. His features were not striking. His short hair was brown, and his iron-gray eyes had had a wicked glint. She had the feeling she knew him, but could not remember under which circumstances she had met him. If she ever had.

_'Who are you ? What do you want ?'_ asked Beckett.

_'You really don't remember me, Detective, do you?"_

_'Should I?_' she said, her head held high.

The man's eyes darkened. Beckett's insolence was not to his liking.

'_Yes, you should. I'd have thought you'd have remembered the man whose life you've destroyed.'_

Kate frowned. She felt her partner going restless by her side, and looked at him. He looked like he was about to say something, but eventually kept his mouth shut. Their abductor noticed it as well, but kept talking to Beckett:

'_You still haven't get rid of your shadow, have you? I guess his third-rate author's arrogance is amusing you.'_

'_Hey!'_ protested the writer.

'_Mister Castle. __Something crossed your mind a few moments ago. Do you mind sharing it with us ?'_

Rick hesitated. He looked at Kate, who silently nodded. He nervously licked his lips, and finally started talking.

'_Two years ago, the Chelsea Forrester case…A young woman found raped and beaten to death in her apartment. The culprit, Liam Blake…You're his brother, aren't you?'_

The man pretented to applaud.

'_Bravo Mister Castle. You're right. __I am Caleb Blake.'_

'_What do you want from us, Caleb?_' Kate once again asked.

'_You see, when you sent my brother to jail, you destroyed my life,_' Caleb kept on going, ignoring the detective.

'_He was guilty! He had to pay for what he'd done to Chelsea,'_ angrily said the detective.

'_He didn't confess!'_

'_Evidence was against him! We had his DNA, and some neighbors testified they saw him leaving Chelsea's place. We did not need him to confess. He only got what he deserved! _

Caleb stepped forward, pointing his gun at Beckett. Beads of sweat stood out on his brow. He was shaking with anger. Castle thought for a second he would pull the trigger. But he took a deep breath, stepped back, and a nasty smile spread across his face.

'_Oh, nice try, Detective Beckett. No way, it would be too easy. To just kill you would be way too gentle. __I want you to suffer. Both of you. The way I have suffered. Did you know my brother died in prison a week ago ? He left me. He left me all alone. __Guards said it's just a fight that's gone wrong, but they're lying, I know they are. You're behind this, aren't you? You had him killed!_

An insane glint lit up his eyes. Kate hardly kept herself from stepping back. She mentally corrected what she had thought earlier. He was not so much dangerous because he was bad and brilliant. He was dangerous because he was insane and brilliant. She sensed neither Castle nor her would like what was about to happen. An evil smile spread across Caleb's face.

'_I'm going to submit you a game. You see, I'm going to really enjoy this game. __You…not so much. But that's the point. __You've taken away from me the one person that truly mattered to me. It's only fair that I take away from you the one person you most care about, isn't it? You know the law of the universe, don't you? A life for a life.'_

'_You son of a…'_ furiously started Castle while stepping forward.

Blake pointed the gun at him, clicked his tongue as to reprimand a child.

'_I would hate to shot you in the leg, and take the risk of watching you die before the end of the game, Mister Castle.'_

It did not seem to stop Castle, whom Kate had to hold back.

'_Good girl. You should follow her example, Mister Castle: stay put, and well-behave._

Kate bit her lips, her dignity in shreds. But to attempt anything would have been reckless, she tried to convince herself. Their chances of survival increased if they tried not to upset their abductor, thus avoiding any unnecessary injuries. Castle finally stepped back, though he was shaking with anger.

'_Good. We may begin at last.'_

Kate and Castle just stared at him. They unconsciously looked for each other's hand in a last comforting gesture, as if to hold on to the world, and to not lose themselves.

'_The game is easy. Only one of you will leave this room alive. In my magnanimity, I will let you choose which of you it will be. You have three hours to decide. After this period, if you still have yet to decide, I will kill one of your loved-one every fifteen minutes, until you've made your choice. If you decide you both wish to die, I will have to choose which one of you will go home safe and sound. Try anything stupid, and you will regret it. Did I make myself clear, Kate?'_

Kate clenched her fists. She did not answer, and just stared at him. Refusing to go along with him. She saw Blake's face darken. A shot rang out.

'_Wow !'_ shouted Castle. The bullet had whistled to his ear.

'_Next bullet won't miss the target, Kate. It was only a warning. __Here's a new rule. __Always answer my questions. Do not speak unless I told you so. Did I make myself clear?'_

Anger overwhelmed her. She closed her eyes for a second, exhaled, and forced herself to calm down.

'_Crystal clear.'_ She angrily answered.

'_Good. __You have three hours,'_ he reminded while pointing out a digital clock on the wall, an evil smile on his face.

* * *

See? Told you it was not a happy story. The first chapter is barely an introduction, I'm just setting the story. The real deal starts in the next chapter.

I hope you enjoyed it, and that you will read the following chapters.


	2. Chapter 2

So, here is the second chapter. Hope you'll enjoy it.

Some reviews would be really great!

* * *

He turned around, left the basement, and cautiously locked the door. The writer and his muse looked at the clock as one. Time was slowly slipping away, tirelessly.

Neither of them said a word for quite a long time. They did not even look at each other. Kate withdrew into silence, and started pacing again, trying to find a solution. A way out.

'_Beckett?'_ Rick asked timidly.

The detective ignored him, and kept on walking back and forth.

'_Kate!'_ angrily yelled the writer.

His muse froze. She was turning her back to him, unable to face him. Rick got up, and softly walked towards her. He went in front of her, and took her hands.

'_Kate. Kate, look at me.'_

He had spontaneously used her first name. Using her last name seemed pointless in such circumstances. They had been using their surnames as a barrier, to keep some distance between them, and at this precise moment, which could have been the last they would ever share, they only needed each other's closeness.

Beckett raised her head, and looked at the writer's deep-blue eyes. He faintly smiled at her. She saw in his eyes the terror he was trying to hide, and knew he was seeing the same feeling in hers. It was like looking at a mirror. She tried to smile back, but failed to.

'_Kate…We have to talk about it.'_

'_No. No way. There's no way we're even going to consider what that son of a bitch wants us to. We'll find a way.'_

She pulled her hands off his, and turned away again.

'_You're hiding, _the writer accused her. _It's what you do. Whenever you're not in control, you run away. You withdraw into yourself. You don't let anyone in. You heard him, didn't you ? If we do nothing, he'll hurt them, Kate ! Is this what you want ? For Alexis or your father to get hurt ?'_

'_We will find a way!'_ Kate shouted.

The detective ran her hand through her hair and bit her lips. They would not discuss it because she would give her life for him. _'Why would you do that?_' whispered the voice of her conscience to her ear. '_Because I…Because he's my partner. Because he has a daughter. Because thousands of people count on him, just the way I had even before I met him,'_ she tried to convince herself.

The writer looked at her while she was lost in her thoughts, and frowned. And suddenly, he understood. This revelation hit him hard.

'_Kate, no!'_

'_What?'_

'_I won't let you do it. __I won't let you…'_

'_You wanted to talk, so let's talk _! Kate angrily interrupted him. _You have a daughter, Castle! Alexis needs you! And don't even get me started on the thousands of fans to whom your death would be heartbreaking!' _She sarcastically added.

'_You're hiding again!_ furiously shouted Castle. _You don't even have the guts to admit what's truly motivating you!'_

He walked away from her, and violently hit the wall. He rested his forehead against the dusty wall, his palms against it, and took a deep breath. Kate stood in the middle of the room, frozen. She thought about what the writer had just said. She would have liked to think she was about to sacrifice herself out of love, out of loyalty or out of bravery. But she knew it would have been a lie. Castle was right. She was a coward, she was hiding. She was hiding from what she could not control. And she was so tired. She had survived too many deaths, too many lost. To sacrifice herself seemed so much easier. To live was no easy task, she had learnt it at her expense. She was living through every second of every single day haunted by the death of her mother and the sacrifice of Roy. She could not live knowing the man she loved had given his life for her. _'The greatest sacrifice does not lie in self-sacrifice. It does not reside in one's death due to their sacrifice,_ she thought, _No, sometimes, the greatest sacrifice is to be the one that lives.'_ She knew she was not that brave. She could not imagine her life without Castle. Without his smile, his jokes, his charming and yet irritating behavior. Without all of his attentions and kind thoughts. Without his presence to help her through her darkest moments.

She had just admitted to herself the true reason that was making her willing to sacrifice herself. She could not imagine living in a world in which she would have to live with the shadow of the writer's sacrifice over her shoulder. She felt something change in her at this exact moment. She could not say whether a part of her had just bloomed or died. She raised her head, and looked at Rick, who noticed the yet subtle change in his muse.

'_Don't ask me this, Rick'_, she begged him in a broken voice.

'_Ask you what?'_

'_Don't ask me to survive you.'_ She whispered.

Rick felt stupefied after what Kate had just told him. He did not know what to say. His mother was right. For a writer, he was terrible with words. They both remained silent after this, sometimes looking at the seconds that were slipping by. They eventually sat one next to the other, still not talking. They did not need to. There are some relationships that do not need words, and theirs was one of them. Rick dithered for several minutes, and eventually grabbed his partner's hand, entwining his fingers with hers. He expected her to push him away or to tense up, but she did not. Much to his surprise, she even held his hand tighter, and rested her head on his shoulder.

'_Will you look after my dad?' _

Kate's question broke the silence. Rick hesitated, choosing his words carefully.

'_We haven't decided anything yet',_ he answered, determined to not let his muse die.

'_Rick…'_

'_You said it yourself. We'll find a way.'_

'_And what if we didn't ? What if I had to…_' She stopped talking, unable to keep going. After a while, she finally said: _'You promise you will take care of him?'_

Rick got lost in his thoughts. It reminded him of another conversation he had had with her, the one about Alexis, when he thought he had been cursed by a Mayan malediction. He smiled at the memory of this investigation. He came back to reality when he felt Kate squeezing his hand.

'_Rick?'_ insisted the detective.

'_I promise. But you will take care of him yourself. We'll both make it. We have to believe this. The guys will look for us, they will…_

'_Castle!' _bitterly interrupted his muse. _'When they realize we're missing…It will be too late. We're all supposed to have our weekend off. They have no reason to be looking for us.'_

'_Mother or Alexis will notice_, insisted Castle. _When Alexis does not get any answer to her texts, she will know something's wrong. She…'_

'_It's the middle of the night, Castle. When Alexis realizes you're gone…The period will be over.'_

Kate felt despair overwhelm her. She hated herself for hurting Rick, for crushing his hopes.

'_I'm sorry. I shouldn't have talked to you like this.'_

'_No. You were right. Let's not talk about it, okay?'_

Kate nodded and cuddled up closer to his partner and friend. He rested his head against hers, enjoying the little comfort it was giving them. They waited in silence for the three hours to slip by.

When the door opened up, Kate startled. She had fallen asleep for a few minutes, exhausted. The two partners got up. Praying for a miracle. Rick wished reality was nothing more than one of his book so as to rewrite the ending. Caleb entered the room, looking amused and cheerful.

'_I hope you've made your choice? I would hate to hurt your lovely daughter, Mister Castle. And Detective Beckett, don't you think it would be sad to screw up so many years of sobriety?'_

The writer and his muse tensed, clenching their jaw, and hardly containing the hatred that was overwhelming them. Kate told herself that, if it had only been about her, she would have tried to do something. But she had no right to put her partner and their family at risk. She kept her mouth shut and did nothing, cursing herself for it.

'_Well? I'm waiting for an answer.'_ Caleb impatiently asked.

'_It will be me,'_ calmly claimed Kate.

She stepped forward, putting herself in front of her partner. As if to protect him. She felt Rick tense behind her.

'_Why am I not surprised?_' Blake asked in a sarcastic tone. _'Why do you always have to be so noble?'_

Kate could not hold back a bitter smile. She felt relieved that he was mistaken. Had he known…She shivered with fear, and buried this thought deep down inside her.

'_Step away from him_.' As he noticed the detective's hesitation, Caleb added _'You don't want him to be covered in your blood, do you? I think the least you can do is to spare him this.'_

Kate reluctantly obeyed, and stepped away from Castle until Caleb told her to stop. She felt nervous not to have Castle standing right by her side. She was scared to leave him like this. Caleb slowly pointed his gun at her, enjoying the situation.

'_Down on your knees. Both of you.'_

Kate had a feeling of déjà-vu. The memory of Sophia ordering them to do the same was haunting her. And she had the feeling the cavalry would definitely be too late this time. The writer and his muse obeyed. When she saw the gun aimed at her, Kate stopped breathing, terrified. Her heart raced up as she was remembering her shooting. She looked at the man in front of them.

'_Kate…'_

She ignored her partner. She was unable to look at him. She met the eyes of the man who was about to execute her. She felt contempt overwhelm her, and did not even bother to hide it.

'_Do I disgust you, Kate?'_

'_Detective Beckett.'_

It made him laugh.

'_In here, at my mercy, you're just Kate. But enough chit-chat. You've bought enough time. I am bored, let's finish this._

Kate closed her eyes, but finally opened them up again. She wanted to look death in the face. Not to retreat while facing death was all that she had left. This last act of bravery irritated Caleb, but he kept silent. _'She is about to get what she deserved'_ he thought. A weird glint lit up his eyes, and a wicked smile spread across his face. Kate felt her heart stop, and terror overwhelmed her.

'_No!'_

She shouted. She tried to stop him. In vain. He had quickly turned to Castle, and fired. Twice. Kate rushed towards the writer, lying on the ground, blood spilling out his chest.

'_I had warned you, Kate, _Blake coldly said._ A life for a life. You weren't expecting to get off lightly, were you? It would have been so easy to just kill you. I want you to suffer, Kate. To kill would have been a punishment way too mild. Now we're even.'_

Kate kept on looking at Rick, her hands putting pressure on his chest. She tried to keep the blood from leaving the writer's body, as well as his life. Blake looked amused at the scene, and, alluding to Beckett's earlier plea to Castle, contemptuously said:

'_Will you able to survive him, Kate?'_

* * *

__I don't know when I'll post the last chapter. I have been given some very bad news today, and I'm not really in the mood to translate it. I'll try to do it as soon as possible, I'll just need a couple days to really process what I've been told.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter!


	3. Chapter 3

I am sorry I kept you waiting for so long. I've just been having so much on my mind for the past week that I really did not felt like translating the last chapter. So, anyway, it's done now.

So, here is the last chapter. I'm not too satisfied with my translation, I did not manage (in my opinion) to give it the same level of emotion as I did in French. Well, you'll tell me what you think. Hope you enjoy it.

* * *

Kate tried to remember her first aid training, but her thoughts were too confused and blurred. She just put pressure with all of her strength on the writer's wounds, causing him to whine in pain. She knew she should have been looking for a phone, call 911, but she could not make her mind to leave Castle. She was afraid to let him down. She felt as if her very presence was the only thing keeping him alive. As if leaving him, even for only a second, would irrevocably lead to his death.

She looked at the writer, with a feeling of déjà-vu. Except, this time, they had reversed the roles. Except, this time, they were alone. She put even more pressure on Castle's wounds. The writer grabbed her wrist, and weakly said :

'_Alexis…You promised you would look after her. You…You remember?'_

'_Shh, Castle. Shut up. Save your strength, okay?'_

'_Kate,_ insisted Castle with the little strength he had left, _you pro…promised.'_

'_I remember. But everything's gonna be okay. You're gonna be okay.'_

'_That's how you hope you'll win a poker game? You're not such a good liar,_ Castle joked around, coughing blood. _And don't forget to remind Esposito he said he would take care of my porn collection.'_

Kate did not know whether she should be crying or laughing. Even in the worst circumstances, the writer could not help but joke.

'_You'll tell him yourself. Don't you dare leave me! Okay ? Don't you dare ! I won't let you. Hang on, Rick. What about Alexis ? She needs you !'_

'_Maybe a true love kiss would save me ? It…it kinda worked for you. It wasn't…Technically a kiss, but…_

He was interrupted by a coughing fit, and blood flowed from his mouth. Despite everything, he noticed Kate had blushed at this allusion.

'_Have something to…to hide, Detective Beckett?'_

Kate blushed even more. She looked away, feeling embarrassed and uncertain. She suddenly realized how selfish it would have been to keep lying to him. She at least owed him the truth.

'_Castle, I…I lied. The shooting…I remember. Everything.'_

'_I know'_, coughed the writer.

'_I'm sorry Castle. I'm so sorry.'_

He just smiled at her, too tired to keep going. He did not blame her. He closed his eyes for a few moments, and tried to take his breath that was becoming more and more labored. He just felt so exhausted. He wished he could have just fallen asleep. But he knew he could not give in to the darkness' freezing cold. He knew that, no matter what was the battle he was about to face, he would probably lose it. He was just trying to hang on as long as possible. To not let her down. To not leave her alone. For Kate.

Kate was aware of how serious her partner's wounds were, but she was holding on to the hope he would make it, on to the hope help was on its way. She had so much left to tell him. She tried to open up. She tried not to hide. She tried to give him what he had given her when she had almost died in that cemetery. The wall she had built prevented her from doing so, despite all of her efforts.

'_Rick, I…'_

She stopped talking, unable to say more, a lump in her throat. Three words. Just three words. And she was too much of a coward to pronounce them. To say these words, it would have meant facing her feelings. And suffer even more when Castle… She interrupted her thought. She could not think like this. She should not think like this.

'_I…' _she tried to say again. Frustration flashed in her eyes.

'_Shh. It's okay. Me too. Always ?'_

'_Always' _whispered Kate, caressing his face with her fingertips.

Castle smiled. He was not afraid anymore. The spark of consciousness that drew him to the world of the living faded away. Kate felt her partner's body getting heavier in her arms. She froze for a few seconds. Refusing to accept the reality she was facing. She finally found the strength to whisper the writer's name.

'_Rick?'_

She had the absurd hope he would answer her, the preposterous hope she had only imagined the life leaving her partner's body. The only answer she heard was the silent of the basement. A hoarse cry escaped her throat. She hugged Castle's body, rocking him. Begging him to come back to her, not to leave her. Telling him how much she needed him. Whispering these three words she had been so afraid to say, again and again. With the mad hop these words would act as a magic formula, that they would bring her back the man she loved. But happy endings are the privilege of fairy tales.

She could not tell how much time she had spent this way, huddled up against the body of the man she had loved. Crying. Begging. Time went by, meaningless. Seconds, minutes, hours, did it matter? Nothing could have changed what had happened. Death is irreversible. It waits, insidious, and hits when less expected. Death has its own unique way to settle its score, in the most unexpected ways. Kate was stupid to believe she could just run away, and throw herself in death's arms. She had been arrogant to think she could bend it to her will. Death chose. Because, in the end, everything was mortal. Even the universe itself was.

What place does a single human being take in the scale for which Death decides of the weights? Nothing more than nothingness on a cosmic scale. But for this woman, broken, in a gloomy basement, hugging the lifeless corpse of the man she loved, this only man was the center of her existence. He had been her world, her reality. In a split second, the very essence of what held her world together was shattered. Wrecked. A lethargic dark overcame the void left in her heart and soul. To fill his absence. To overwhelm the pain. Her world had once again collapsed, and with it was gone the outside world, swallowed by the abyss. Withdrawn into herself, locked into her pain, she could have been dead as well. She wished she was dead.

She did not even hear the sirens in the distance. She did not hear the policemen shouting, nor did she felt them fussing over her. She held on to her partner's body, broken, refusing to let him go. When some policemen tried to make her let go of him, she struggled so violently they gave up, afraid she would get hurt. After this reaction of her, the first in several hours, Kate went back to her catatonic state. Only the combined efforts of Esposito, Ryan and Lanie allowed to take her away. Theywhispered reassuring words to her, telling her everything was going to be fine. None of them tried to hold back the tears that were streaming down their face. Esposito eventually managed to loosen Kate's grip on the body of their friend. Still deeply withdrawn into herself, Kate did not react. Heartbroken, Esposito carried her to an ambulance, under the worried and compassionate eyes of the officers present on the crime scene. Never had they imagined that two of them would one day be on this side of a crime scene. On the victims' side.

The officers who left the scene threw themselves into a manhunt. Castle might have only been a civilian, but he was above all else one of them. No one could get away with killing him, nor with wrecking one of the strongest and bravest cops they had ever met. Captain Victoria Gates knew in this precise moment how this manhunt would end. She knew all these officers would take the law into their own hands, that they would become jury, judge and executioner. For the first time in her career, this idea, far from bothering her, rejoiced her. She did not even try to soothe their vengeful ardor. When she saw the body bag taking away the corpse of the man she had tried so many times to kick out of her precinct, she did not even bother to hide the tears that were streaming down her face.

She went towards Kate, and put her hand on the detective's shoulder. She had wished for a reaction, a sign, anything that would prove her the strong woman she knew was still there.

'_I'm sorry Detective',_ Gates said.

Kate finally looked up on her Captain. Gates shivered when she saw her detective's stare. A blank stare. As if she had just died with her partner, her soul crushed, and only her heart kept beating. Gates wished she could have seen just a glimpse of the detective she knew and admired. All she could see at that instant was an empty shell. She prayed that the young woman had only entrenched herself behind a wall, to protect herself, and that she would come out some day. She prayed that the young woman just did not let herself die with her partner. She prayed that she would wake up and she would find out it was nothing but a nightmare. Captain Victoria Gates had prayed for the first time since she had lost her faith.

Kate realized that, during her account, Alexis had taken refuge into her arms. She was holding the teenager, stroking her back, whispering to her ear meaningless words. The young girl was crying and shaking, drowned in an ocean of pain. Kate knew too well what Alexis was going through. She kept hugging her, until the teenager calmed down. Alexis freed herself from Kate's embrace, and looked at the detective:

'_I didn't know…I have no idea, I…Detective Beckett, I'm sorry, I…'_

'_You don't have to apologize. And call me Kate, I'm not a detective anymore.' _

Alexis looked at her, feeling lost. She wiped away her tears, trying to process what her father's muse had just said.

'_What do you mean, "you're not a detective anymore"?'_ she asked.

Kate looked away. She did not want to explain herself, not again. But she had promised Castle she would look after his daughter, and she was a woman of her word.

'_I handed over my badge and my gun to Gates. __I resigned.'_

'_No!' protested Alexis. __'You can't do this! __Dad…Dad would never want you to quit. He would want you to keep doing your job, to keep giving peace to all these families. Dad says…Dad always said you were the best at what you're doing. You live for your job.'_

'_And see where it's led us!'_ Kate bitterly answered, hardly keeping herself from crying. _'I can't do it anymore Alexis. __I can't give these families a peace I'll never have. I'm so tired. I just want…'_

'_That's not true ! It has nothing to do with your mother's murder.'_

'_Alexis…'_

'_Dad believed in you! In what you were doing! You can't just quit.'_

Kate met Alexis' pleading eyes. She tried to gather her thoughts, to formulate coherent sentences, but she could not. Every time she tried to speak, she felt a lump in her throat, and words would not escape her mouth. Tears streamed down her face. The red-haired girl squeezed Kate's hand, and patiently waited for her answer. Kate eventually snapped out of it, and managed to whisper

'_I can't do it without Ca...without your father. I can't go back to the precinct, not without him. I can't be there without him, without his jokes, without the coffee he always brought me, without his crazy theories. I can't live there with the void he left, I can't stare at his empty chair near my desk, I can't not have him looking at me in a creepy way while I'm doing paperwork…I just can't, Alexis.'_

'_Just think about it. Okay ? __Dad would not want you to stop living because he…isn't there. Promise me you'll think about it?_' Alexis pleaded. _'For dad.'_

'_I promise. But before that, there's another promise I have to keep. __A promise I made to your father two years ago.'_

Alexis shifted position, the floor not being too comfortable. Kate noticed it. She got up, offered Alexis her hand, and led her to the couch where they both sat.

'_Do you remember this investigation, when your father believed he had been cursed by a Mayan malediction?'_

'_Of course'_ replied the red-haired girl with a sad smile.

'_During this investigation, your father made me promise to look after you if anything was to happen to him.'_

'_It sounds like dad',_ whispered Alexis, lost in her thoughts. She started to cry again.

Kate hugged her, and gently rocked her. She waited for Alexis to calm down, before keeping going:

'_I will keep my promise, okay? I know I am not legally responsible for you, but I will always be there for you. No matter what. Never hesitate to give me a call, wherever you are, no matter the time and no matter the reason. I will never judge you, Alexis, and I will be there, always. Before I keep the promise I just made to you, I want to be sure I kept the promise I made to your father. __We will get through this, Alexis.'_

'_I know. But I miss him ! __I miss him so much, Kate. Every second that goes by, I miss him even more. And every time I tell myself I could not handle any more pain without dying, I realize I'm wrong, and I feel my heart break a bit more. How will I ever get through this? How did you get through this?'_

'_You're strong, Alexis. And the people around you will never let you down. Someday, when you wake up, you will find out you can think about him without falling to pieces. Someday, when you wake up, you'll realize the happy memories prevail over the pain of his loss. __The pain will always be there, Alexis. I won't lie to you. But it will get better.'_

'_When ?'_

'_I don't know, Alexis. I really don't know. __But I will help you.'_

The young girl meditated these words for a few moments, and she huddled up closer to Kate. She said in a whisper:

'_Thank you Kate.'_

Kate hesitated a second, and finally replied :

'_Always.'_

* * *

So, I hope you enjoyed the whole story. Thanks for reading me. And thanks to those of you who left reviews, it's always pleasant to know what you thought of it.

I usually don't write fanfictions. It is actually my first fanfiction. I don't write fanfictions, nor do I write at all, because I have to have something to say, something to tell, something to wonder about if I want to find some inspiration. So why did I write this story?

It all started with a dream. A vivid and powerful dream about sacrifice. This dream moved me deeply, and I started obessing about it. So a friend told me to write a story about it, a Castle story. I thought "Hell, why not?". Whith this dream came a question that I think we tend to overlook when it comes to sacrifice: what is harder? Is it harder to be the one giving up your life for a loved-one, or is it harder to be the one that lives?


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